Wanted: Looking For A Sweet, Reliable Ride

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been looking for a replacement vehicle … so when my buddy “Old Red” eventually dies on the side of the road (note: I don’t want this to happen anytime soon, believe me … because me and this car have history. We go like everywhere together, to be honest with you) I’ll at least have a backup plan ready to go!

So here’s the scoop: I’m actually no spring chicken when it comes to buying cars … in fact, this next purchase will be my eleventh one, and to be honest with you most of them were European even though I like to support the U.S. of A. (sorry American motor companies … try churning out some quality stuff like you use to back in the day, and that may all change. Highly unlikely though, I should add here, as I think you’ve forgotten how great you could be if you actually gave a crap). I’m also world-traveled, so I’m not going to ignorantly shout out that American cars are the best, because most of them are actually not (to top this off, I think most of them are pretty shoddy)!

So anyways, here goes my take on the cars from the three largest markets (word of caution: if you don’t agree, and you want to yell at me … it’s probably going to go in one ear and out the other, so don’t waste your breath, ok?):

German cars suck! With all the love and pride customers have for VWs, Mercedes and BMWs you’d think they’d return some of the love, and give people the quality that they paid for. Not! Corners cut today are salary cuts tomorrow, and I personally think these companies’ American repair departments hire dumba@#es. Not only do they lack people skills, but they also lack common troubleshooting sense. It’s always “the computer says there isn’t a problem” whenever I’ve taken one of these cars in (note: I had at least one of each … and three VWs). They just don’t listen, and this appears to be a pretty common trend. At these dealerships, customer service is definitely not their priority. This will be their downfall … trust me! So I stopped buying German cars … as the new ones are crap!

As for Japanese cars: they’ll never rust away, because they are made entirely of plastic! For this reason, they are entirely inferior cars, yet will often times be heavily modded to make them “seem” faster. This vain effort has lead to the creation of some of the most hideous cars ever seen (ex. wings the size of pool tables, body kits that trick the eye into thinking it’s lowered, and neon lights … why the neon lights? Why?). Here’s a newsflash: In Japan, the same “Lexus” that people drive over here is actually just called a Toyota over there … there is no difference! The reason for this: the name Toyota is synonymous with “cheap”, so they had to trick rich retards over hear into buying them somehow (note: these POS’s are wayyyy overpriced … you’ve been warned)!

Now: the American argument! Yes, it’s true … all cars made after the 80’s in this country are low class, POS to the third power! Sure, we all know this, but they’re cheaper to own and maintain … that’s why we buy them! Now, as for the classic muscle cars: anyone who says they are slow, crappy, redneck cars, or technologically inferior are complete and utter jackasses, who don’t know s@#t! Are you talking this smack? Well then, go get your Honda Civic, with the stupid body kit and the huge fin, and let’s do a little bit of racing. After this, you’ll realize that your car sounds like a hollow turd, and your “high-performance” vehicle is actually “low performance”. You heard me right: a muscle car is a real man’s car, and in order to better understand this, let’s go to the definition of “man”: a male human being, with balls and a d@#k! So, if you don’t have the balls to drive a real car, then don’t try to soup it up to make you feel like you do … period!

Well people, this is just my take on things! If I’m wrong, I’m wrong and I will admit it, but until then if you hear about any sweet, old school American muscle cars going for a good price, why not hit up your old pal Pete, through my feedback section, with a little insider info! Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: I’m not going to travel to Canada or wire you a Money Gram, so you scam artists can just forget about any of that nonsense … as I’m hip to your thieving a@# jive!