Ticketmaster Sucks! Try The Scalpers Instead.

This is how I do sporting events and concerts …

I get there nice and early (about an hour or two … or three if I’m feeling frisky) and set up shop. Can’t forget the grill, in which to make those delicious burgers and dogs (ok, my lady loves the grilled chicken, but she’s healthy like that) a cooler with lots of ice cold domestics (Yuengling Lagers are my poison) and light beers for the wimps/ladies (no product placement here … they all taste the same [like crap] … and make you pee every 10 minutes). On top of this, I always have the music blaring (I have a huge boom-box speaker that I have connected to my trunk speakers … ghetto, right?) and my “uniform” (during the games) or proper attire on (cowboy hat during a country concert, Hawaiian shirt for anything else) and looking good (at least through my own eyes)! When it’s time for the “whatever” to start, I’m usually ripe, full, locked and loaded, which is then the perfect time to go get some tickets …

“Shouldn’t you already have tickets?” you ask? And my answer to that is “Hell no!!” Why? Well, for starters Ticketmaster is a crock of s$%t … I hate this monopoly and their practice of legal ticket scalping, which is nothing short of stealing from the masses! For example … take this Phillies/Marlins game that I’m now drunk outside at …the original ticket price at the box office was only $12, and earlier today these creeps wanted $75 for those exact same tickets (plus their crazy ass fees, which will probably bring the total to just shy of a Benjamin!). How does this company look itself in the mirror? Through their charitable donations (which are just tax write-offs anyway) that’s how! These phonies are ripping us off and patting themselves on the back at the same time (that’s why I won’t do business with them, if I can help it)!

Well, now that I got all of that out of my system, let’s move on to a better solution to my “no-ticket” problem: the scalpers! If you’ve never had an actual conversation with these seedy guys (and you’ve only heard the ugly rumors … probably set in place by Ticketmaster and its cronies) let me tell you the only thing you should be thinking about at this time: if they’re holding tickets on the day of the event, they certainly know that the ticket’s value will soon drop to zero – so they’re usually pretty eager to sell (but they’ll never tell you that, of course). Not many people seem to know that scalpers often dump tickets cheap at the last minute — sucks for them!

With this in mind, here’s how to turn the tide on his (most ticket scalpers are guys … really shady ones at that. Women, please, don’t stoop this low — ever!) spiel full of craftiness and lies, which he’s probably going to throw your way:

Form a feeding frenzy. Go ahead … yell out loudly, when you see a few of them in the near proximity, “I need some tickets!” Then sit back and let them undercut each other (to be honest with you … this is worth buying a ticket to itself … these lowlifes are freaking hysterical when they smell money/blood)!

Tell a sob story. Ok, this one may seem counterproductive, but if you start in with the “Oh man, I’ve been dying to see this game, and so has my wife! But … we don’t really have the money since our layoffs at the factory (even though you both work in high-power careers)” they just might feel bad and bite!

Play the waiting game. Who needs a first inning, anyways? Sure, one team may score, but then they have to carry that pressure through eight more innings (switch innings for quarters, or time on stage, or … ok, you get the point, right?). Note: ticket prices will drop heavily after this!

Pull out the TV and enjoy! Ok, it’s kind of weird to watch the game out in the stadium’s parking lot, but sooner or later one of these vultures will come up and say, “Hey I have some extra tickets to the game for (more than half off of the face-value)!” It won’t take long either.

Go check the ticket window. This should only happen when the scalpers won’t budge, but just know this: if they have tickets left (and most of the times they will) you’ll only be charged the face value! Then go tell those dumb ass thieves (the scalpers and Ticketmaster) to go pound sand. At least, you didn’t get ripped off!

In short, paying through the nose for tickets kind of sucks! However, think of it this way: It also stinks to have to pay a gazillion dollars to live on the beach or to go for a ride into space (neither of which I will ever do, regardless of where my financial situation takes me. I just think they’re both a total waste of cash). For your money, it’s you who has to decide each and every day what something is worth to you, and whether or not you’re willing to pay the price they’re asking.

Just like everything else, you should buy access to a venue at the right time! Never buy into the hype of having to buy early on (I don’t, and have never missed a show that I have wanted to see. Ever!). What’s the best time to purchase tickets, you ask? Well, why not buy when you hear that bad weather is going to affect attendance, or check in the last day before an event, and then check back a few hours before it starts. Yea, these are the best times!

Ok, I have to get in there (by the way, I had a two-for-one coupon for this game from the Clipper Magazine. $12 bucks for the both of us! Woo Hoo!). Man, I’m trashed … oh well, I have three hours to sober up … plus she’s driving anyways! GO PHILLIES! Good luck people! Hey scalper: I’ll catch you next time!