The Winter Wind Blows (Through Your Checking Account)

The holidays are a month away, but I bet that’s not stopping the kids from starting their lists now!

The problem with this part of the year is two-fold: on the one hand, you have your beautiful sweet children asking for more and more from “old Saint Nick” every year (I’d hate to see that guy’s inflation curve). On the other is a boxing glove that delivers a nasty sucker punch from the energy companies: heating bills are on fire, electric bills are shocking, and water bills are scalding! It’s a hook, left, kick and a kiss to your already stretched-out wallet.

I don’t suggest telling the kids there is no Santa Claus (that’s just morally wrong and cheap). I would, however, like to offer some convenient ways to help out with the second part. Below are some ideas everyone should know by now, but just in case you’re smart enough to not pay attention to the media (but crazy enough to read my garbage) here goes the best ways to “go the distance” with your public utility bills, and make sure your home is more energy efficient:

Use a candle to find the drafts. Move it slowly near windows or doors and caulk up any spots that blow out the flame. Note: the chimney doesn’t count (your kids will hate you for blocking this hole up)!

Install a programmable thermostat to control the temperature and match your family’s schedule. Note: ask your kids for their schedule — don’t route through their diaries (that’s just scumbag parenting)!

Use compact fluorescent lights instead of regular incandescent bulbs. They provide a given amount of light, use much less energy and do not produce as much heat as regular bulbs. They’re also more modern looking (note: they don’t show your age)!

Turn down the temperature in your water heater to 120 degrees and use an insulating blanket around it to make it run more efficient. Try to coordinate it (they like to match).

When it’s time to replace you old appliances go with a more energy efficient model. Then laugh at the old one sitting in the snow outside, waiting by itself for the trash man (or that sucker from Craigslist).

Use the oven, dishwasher or dryer in the colder evening hours. Your heater will have to work less, and your meter man will start giving you nasty looks (you’ll be taking food out of their mouths, jerk).

Take a shower, not a bath, and you’ll use less water. Also, it’s a good idea to install a water-saving shower head to conserve hot water. Note: don’t sing in there, because you can’t!

Let the sun shine in through open blinds and drapes to let the warmth fill your loving house. It will also let your neighbors see how many presents you bought your kids this year (you braggart)!

Most of these ideas are really cheap (like you, if you Googled this). If put into action, they will have a major impact on the amount of energy that you use, which in turn will save you some cash and preserve the environment at the same time (not that you care about it now, bottled water drinker)!

Now, back to that first hand: when we were young, toys were relatively cheap, and we didn’t need the media telling us what the hottest toy of the year were — that’s what friends are for. Today, there are too many stores, too many new gadgets, and too many outstretched hands. My advice: tell the kids they can either stop begging or go shovel people’s snow for extra money. They’ll stop begging — I guarantee!