Illegal (But Cheap) Ways To Save At The Movies!

Ever come out of a crappy movie, and think, “I can’t believe I wasted my money to see that?”

You’re not alone! At the exact same time that the movie industry is running out of any fresh ideas, the cost of their tickets and concession-stand food and drinks have sky-rocketed! What are these idiots thinking, you ask? Obviously not the truth — which is that most Americans are now staying home and watching New-Release DVDs instead of going to the theatres. You would think this fact would change their minds toward lowering their prices, but still …

The average movie ticket now costs about 10 bucks. Popcorn costs about six, and a soft drink averages about five. So these crooks are taking about 21 dollars a person, for a movie that might or might not be even half-decent (now multiply that by 4 for a nuclear family). I have some solutions that will save you most of that amount, and will prevent you from paying for another dud (but only if you feel like walking on the other side of the law). Still here? Ok, read on:

Pull the All-Day Matinee. Wake up early on a Saturday, and go straight to the theatre for a good action flick to get you going. When you’re done there, sneak into a nice love story (to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside). After that, slide into another shoot-em-up, and if you’re still feeling frisky after that: try out one of those summer blockbusters when no one’s looking! Technically that’s a four-for-one, and nowhere else can you find that sort of cheap entertainment. Now, pat yourself on the back (when you leave at 11 pm)!

Pop your own corn. This one I learned from my old man! In the fond memories of my crazy youth, I vividly remember hearing the old Jiffy Pop popping moments before I heard my dad yell out, “Alright, everyone in the car.” A half hour later we were watching Superman, E.T the Extra-Terrestrial or Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo with a mouth full of cheap, yet warm, popcorn. I loved those days, and the only difference now is the advent of the microwavable bag. Thank you, Mr. Redenbacher!

Drink the Sam’s Club stuff! For some “strange” reason, land developers always place movie theaters right down the street from big-box grocers! To top this off, most grocery stores also offer 25 cent, no-name sodas in their outdoor vending machines. You see where I’m going with, don’t you? Good, now don’t forget to make this much needed pit stop before the show!

Sneak in the side door! Pick out the richest kid in your “gang” (even if he is 36 years old). Now have this sucker pay to get in, and then stand outside the side entrance while he’s in there yelling into his cell-phone (this way people will give him a wide berth). When no one’s around, it’ll be his time to make a move, which will consist of bringing all eight of you in! “That’ll make me feel dirty,” you say? Try doing it to see the Passion of the Christ (I had to go to church for that one, 30 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers was my penance)!

Make “nice” with an insider! Know a guy who works for the movie house? If not, look around for the Subaru Justy in the parking lot and see who comes out of it (this is your guy)! Say “Hi” to him, give him a cigarette if he needs one, and for a cream-of-the-crop move: buy him an Arby’s Combo Meal. Since no one’s usually that nice to him, he’ll let you come in for free whenever you want. Don’t overdo it though (sooner or later your gig will be up)!

In the real world, I’d imagine that having way fewer tickets sold would, or definitely should, cause some major panic in the minds of these movie executives who are churning out these crappy, old-formula driven, hunk of junk flicks! However, you and I both know that’s not how these corporate entities think, and I can be pretty sure that’ll be their downfall!

As for all that sneaky stuff I suggested you do: enjoy it and don’t feel guilty — these guys have been robbing us blindly for years now!