How To Work The Lifetime Warranty Deal (Over)

There are a lot of companies out there who now offer a lifetime warranty on their products. Some do it because they love to please customers. A reason for this: happy customers will return time and time again, and they usually brag about your services to at least 20 of their friends, the experts predict. Word-of-mouth advertising is the most effective, and least expensive, way to attract customers, and this is what a guarantee like this can produce.

The real question, however, is, “Will this company even exist in a few years, which is usually the shelf life of most modern conveniences?” You need to know this, because things usually break at the most inopportune times (you know this right?). Another thing to ask is, “Whose lifetime is this warranty based on? Your’s? Mine?” Below are some companies who have stood the test of time — mine, not theirs!

Leatherman: I bought one of these multi-tools for my keychain in the Target’s clearance rack for $6 a while back, and recently realized that you have to buy the bigger version if you want to cut open cans. The tip snapped off, but it didn’t look bad enough to guarantee me a new replacement, so I gave it a good old fashion whooping! You should have seen this thing break under my truck tires. Then I wasted a couple bucks and sent it in. Thank you, Tim Leatherman — I owe you one. Now hopefully my karma will get back to normal —it was a bad year (LOL)!

Craftsman Tools: So I was jumping up and down on a socket wrench (in 1994), trying to get a front tire off of my ’84 Rabbit, when all of a sudden I heard a loud “SNAP”. So I drove over to Sears in my dad’s Shagging Wagon, and handed the tool over to the nice gentleman behind the counter. “Whoa, how’d you break this,” he asked. I just shrugged my shoulders (mum’s the word). He knew, and I knew, what that shrug meant. When he went into the back, I got nervous, but out he came with a shiny new one. When he gave it to me, I just stared at it for a minute (guys love shiny objects). Then I said, “Thank you,” and left.

Cannondale Bicycles: You should never go mountain biking with a road bike! That’s all I’m going to say about that, but let me tell you about this: Cannondale’s return policy was excellent. When I brought my bike to the local dealer, the salesman acted like he could fix it at first, then he placed a call, and I went home. A week later, the bike shop calls to let me know that they have a brand new frame waiting for me — they even put it back together. Sweet! If you’re into bikes, these are your guys (unless you’re into lower quality stuff).

Zippo Lighters: I stopped smoking a long time ago, but it doesn’t stop me from keeping one of these puppies in my emergency kit (which I’ll never use, but it sure does look cool). I had the same one since 11th grade, even though I didn’t smoke (cigarettes) back then, either. Recently, the top broke off, and it left the peace sign cut in two. So I returned it, and within two weeks I had a shiny new brass one, without a peace sign. Man, I loved that peace sign. Go Obama!

Fisher Space Pens: I was shopping at the flea market last year, when this guy called out late in the day, “Everything on this table: one dollar.” What did I buy? A whole pack of mint 1987 Topps Traded cards (with that loser Barry Bond’s rookie card in it) and one of these pens in chrome (with its own case) is what. I later found out that the pen was broken. No worries — I sent it in for free through my last job’s FedEx account (try finding that receipt, liars). Two weeks later, I had a favorite pen come into my life! They use these pens in space, and this girl, Danielle, used to call me “Spaceman” in high school — how convenient!

Costa Del Mar Sunglasses: I love a good softball game, especially when you find some expensive sunglasses laying in the grass, and no one to claim them (not like I posted flyers or anything, though). These things were falling apart, which helped my conscience a bit, so I sent them in. Costa charged me $9.95 for processing (plus $1.99 for s/h) but for this paltry sum, I just received in the mail a new pair of $160 shades. Discount of the century? Not really — my buddy once got a SAAB 900 Turbo for a B.K. Whopper meal (off of his friend, don’t try looking for that deal just anywhere)!

You might be looking at me as the “bad guy” in these situations, and I see where you are coming from: it might seem dishonest, and I might not have been 100% truthful with these excellent, customer-focused companies. Now look at it through my eyes: sure they gave me a new product through deception, but hopefully, I have a bigger than 20-person audience, when I say, honestly, “These are the type of companies you should be dealing with.”

Conscience cleared! Whew!