How To Save Money While Being Mugged!

I grew up in the city, so I’m an authoritative figure on this subject!

For an example of the “proper” way to get robbed (while keeping most of the money you have on you) I’ll start small: So here I am in seventh grade when all of a sudden I develop a bully (I was always small, so it came with the territory). This jerk, Jermickey (I think I spelled his name right, who cares?) told me I had to give up my lunch money the next day or suffer the consequences (in his own way, with a bunch of grammatical errors). I then thanked my gene pool for cursing me with this problem, and then waited the 24-hour period, until “doomsday” …

If you’re caught in this predicament, there are certain things you must do to both ensure your safety, and make sure this a-hole doesn’t get everything from you. Below are those certain things — enjoy:

Walk the walk. In your mind, you must become an Eastwood or a DeNiro (a Schwarzenegger would get his fancy ass kicked in this situation). The reason for this: Armed robbers are really pu#$ies — they only prey on what they perceive as weak (of which you won’t appear to be now). Also: there’s safety in numbers, so always bring a friend along. One can be Dirty Harry and one can be the Taxi Driver — whoa, watch out tough guys!

Don’t smoke or use your watch in the ghetto. Never give someone a reason to get close to you (they’ll have the upper-hand then). If someone does ask you for directions on a dark street (of which they probably broke out all the street lights on) keep a safe distance and yell out, in a firm low tone, “take two rights, and then hook a left,” to keep them guessing. And then get out of there, fast. Sage advice: don’t even think about using an ATM in this slum!

Don’t be a hero. Cooperate and give this criminal whatever he asks for: your wallet, jewelry, credit cards or whatever, and leave it at that (don’t tell him about the money in your shoe, or your grandpa’s old Rolex in the trunk of your car). Also: don’t make any sudden, unexpected moves (these guys get sketchy). Remember this: robbers seldom hurt people who are willing to cooperate. Tip: don’t call BU#$@HIT when he says he has a gun (most of these guys can’t afford one).

Make mental notes. While he’s taking that money out of your shoe (some Dirty Harry you turned out to be) try to remember everything about this experience: what he looks like, tattoos, what he’s wearing, accent, direction he left in (you get the point, don’t you?). If there are any witnesses, forget about asking for their help (these cowards rarely speak up). After this jerk leaves, wait a couple minutes, and then …

Call the cops. Here come the Schwarzenegger personalities I was talking about earlier. They’re going be all macho and talk down to you in a less-than-subtle way. “I’ll tell you what I would have done to this creep …” they’re going to say (get their ass kicked like in high school is what they won’t say). Just know that these clowns rarely catch anyone, and at least you left with your life and your Grandfather’s Rolex (good for you). And who knows: sometimes a blind squirrel ….

What did I do you ask? Well I started by telling him I wasn’t giving him anything (I thought long and hard about this all night) and ended with slamming his head about a thousand times with my locker door. My favorite art teacher, Mrs. Tiberio, came out and broke us up. Guess what? I didn’t get in trouble, he did, and he no longer messed with me! I know this is bad advice, but it worked in my situation.

“Whatever happened to this kid,” I sometimes wonder? Oh, he’s probably just sharing a jail cell somewhere.