Hey Maxim: My Top 10 List is Bigger Than Yours!

A few years ago, a magazine by the name of Maxim came out, and ever since then it has posted record sales in the U.S. and have expanded its operation globally. Many of their competitors (Esquire, Details, and other crap) are hurting, and have since morphed into quasi-versions of this popular magazine.

What is driving their sales, you ask? My answer is sex, trashy topics, and everything else your mother warned you about (I would also say preacher, but those guys are getting a bad rap lately!). I personally don’t subscribe to this garbage, because 1) I grew up already, and 2) there would have to be too many changes over at that kiddy playground they call a writing shop! Until the latter happens, Maxim, I give you my top 10 reasons for not buying your rubbish:

I

Cut out the glossy ads, and you’re left with maybe 20 pages of actual content, and most of this is recycled garbage from other cheesy magazines (like GQ: barf).

II

If I wanted shallow, I’d watch Oprah (yes, I went there), or better yet: Maury Povich. At least, I might be entertained (“You are not the father!” God, that gets me every time!).

III

You guys are too Photoshop heavy — women aren’t supposed to look like Barbie ™ dolls. Note: yours do!

IV

Your “hard hitting” interviewers only toss out softballs — and then they usually just start talking about their sexuality (of which I question, most of the time).

V

Who writes your articles? Seventh grade boys who idolize Pauly Shore and Danny Bonaduce? Is this good advice: if you get bad grades, drink loads of beer, use hair gel till it hurts, and love fart jokes, than this is what you need to read?

VI

MAD magazine is funnier, and real men read Field & Stream or Outdoor Life anyway.

VII

Metrosexual is not something to aspire to! The overpriced clothing that you hawk is for guys who sit in the corner of those Untz-untz-untz clubs, and talk about irrelevant subjects without any women present (unless their sister’s in town).

VIII

Your rag is lame: it’s grasping for laughs, and is way behind the competition. Your saving grace: store clerks put the real men’s magazines behind the counter!

IX

You don’t deal with real issues, like the future goals of America. Legitimate issues don’t keep us sedate; yours do. Forget about the girls, designer clothes, fast cars and consumer electronics issues — we already know about that stuff!

X

This joke of a magazine only takes about ten minutes to “read” (if I don’t pass out first).

Bonus:

Lindsey Lohan is not hot! Number 1? Really?

One more thing before I go: How the heck is your staff buying that expensive stuff they ‘recommend’ on a writer’s salary? They’re not, that’s how!