Grumpy and Cheap: A Deadly Combination

I was a little money-maker when I was a kid!

My specialties: mowing lawns, delivering flowers and phonebooks, and the list goes on. My favorite, however, was always shoveling snow. This is where the real money was — until the day I met Mrs. Bittler, my new elderly neighbor and the crabbiest person in town (oh yea, she was well known).

On this particular freezing cold December morning, my kid sister and I were out making a mint, until our Mom told us to go help this lady out. I’ll cut it short: we agreed to break up the ice on her pavement, we chopped the ice with garden hoes, 2 hours later (no kidding) it was time to get paid, and we got 50 cents apiece. At the time, we were very mad — but now, I understand. This woman got her pavement cleared not for 20 dollars (the going rate) but for one single dollar. She’s a thrifty genius!

What I learned from her, I will pass on to you (person on a fixed-budget). To stretch the purse strings, so you have more buying power, follow the simple tips below.

Know your income. You’d be surprised at how many people really don’t know how much they have coming in each month. Don’t be like these young idiots! Know exactly how much you’re paying for fixed expenses such as rent or mortgage, insurance, utilities and so on. Some of these expenses will be monthly, while others might be quarterly or even yearly. Know what you’re working with. No, I didn’t mean it that way!

Divide your yearly expenses by 12. This will tell you exactly how much your monthly expenses should be. The trick here is to put aside this amount even though the bill might not be due for a few months. Then, when a major expense pops up, you won’t have to worry, because you are covered. Feels good, huh?

Cut back on toiletries. You don’t really need to buy 10 bottles of Suave on sale at $1 a bottle. Next week, they’ll be $1.01 a bottle. As for detergent, toothpaste, shampoo, and dish liquid: this stuff never goes up — so why hoard it? You’d be surprised at how much you can save by buying only what you need. Also, slow down on the Jean Nate — that stuff reeks!

Visit the library. Books, magazines, and newspapers — all for free (ok, you have to return them eventually). The library is also a good place to get free CDs and DVD rentals. So break out your dusty library card, and start saving a lot of money. Bonus: you won’t have to pay to get rid of a pile of papers. Another bonus: you can pay back that troublemaking neighbor, who happens to work at Border’s, by putting him out of a job.

Take care of your ‘82 Buick. Maintenance schedules, regular cleanings, and sensible driving are good for one thing: making your car last for a long time. Another good idea: after the car is paid for, continue putting the amount of your payments into the bank, and no longer into the dealer’s grimy hands. When you do decide to buy another car, you will have a better down payment. My advice: get a smaller car that gets more than 8 mpg.

By the way, these tips are useful even if you aren’t on a fixed income. Like I said already, I have been using them for years. Thank you Mrs. Bittler, you short-tempered old …