Google Search: “My First Hurricane” + “Help!”

Florida: The Sunshine State (nice, lovely). Florida: Hurricane Alley (truth, reality).

When it comes to hurricanes, no one does it like Floridians. Once you’re here long enough, you won’t bat your eyelashes at anything less than a Category 3 (even that might not get more than a passing glance). Me? I haven’t been here long enough, and tomorrow is going to be my first one. If I don’t make it, pass this article on to my loved ones. If I do, it means that my internet search worked. It’s a 50-50 (decent odds). Anyway …

By preparing for these things days in advance you are guaranteeing your place as one of the smartest guys in your neighborhood (you’ll be the “Lord of the Flies”, not Piggy). Stocking up now will be much cheaper and easier than dealing with the scared freaks at Publix the night before (I’ve seen it firsthand)! To be prepared for the worst, read on …

Before it all goes down, you better hit up the Hess Station (or whatever they call these crooks in your neck of the woods). Gas runs everything; from your cars to your chainsaw (sometimes it’s kind of creepy if you have one of these). Note: Wait until you run all of your Hurricane Party ‘08 supply errands first. This way you’ll have a full tank when you get back home (I mean your car will)!

What, no generator to run your air conditioner? What are you, poor? The snobs down here aren’t able to do anything when the temp goes above 80, I swear (why the hell did they move down here?)! Seriously though, if you can pick up some cheapies off of Craigslist (shop in the winter) you’ll be everyone’s best friend! And the guy with the generator and air-conditioner rarely has to pay for anything else (read: beer, food, water, beer). You are a “have” my friend, not a “have not” — those losers! Wait, I’m a “have not” …damn.

We, as human, need two things to survive: food and water. After a hurricane, though, both will be hard to find. Without electricity, indoor cooking isn’t available, and frozen food is quickly ruined. Stock up on non-perishable food beforehand (think canned vegetables, pastas and meats. Ummm, Spam™ again!). Now add an outdoor camp grill (read: outdoor, not indoor). Also, know that the average person will need at least a gallon of water per day for drinking and basic hygiene. If you see someone washing his car during this time, punch him in the throat (just kidding, or am I?)!

Besides food and water, you’re going to need a few other essential items. The first is a crank-operated radio to listen to the game (or the storm advisories, whatever). Next are some flashlights, with plenty of batteries, and a bunch of cheap emergency candles (so you’re not wasting those batteries). Basic tools, rope, and duct tape are also helpful for a million things, and a first-aid kit can save your neck in an emergency (or the generator guy’s neck, your days will be well-light and cool after that)!

Ok, the storm is over … it really wasn’t that bad! My car suffered a broken window, and my lawn looks like it just hosted a rugby match, but my fiancée, dog and myself all made it out in one piece (well, 3 pieces if you want to get technical, nerd). Now I have bragging rights with all my family up north — those damn Yankees (wait … isn’t that a cheesy 80’s band. God, how I tried to forget them)!