Go Old School And Fix Things Yourself!

“What’s wrong with the bathroom sink?” I asked.

“Call the plumber,” she answered.

“Hell NO!” was my response to that nonsense.

Men, what has happened to us! There was once a time when any man (yes, even “those” guys) could pull out his trusty tool box (which only had about six tools in it) and fix everything from replacing a timing belt in the family station wagon, to taking the old water heater apart (because it was shot) and putting it back together (in better condition that when he bought it).

Why do our wives and girlfriends no longer trust us to even put the simplest things back together (in working order)? Well, I for one am going back to those days! This is not only a thrifty journey I will be taking (sure it will save me a lot of money) but also one that will get me back to the world we should all be living in (where men are men)!

Good bye, rip-off mechanic! See you later, pool service repairman! No, I must do this: I must learn the right way to get things done. Follow me on this adventure, and I swear we’ll all be better off for it (and richer):

Google it. You can find almost every answer on the internet. If you think you’re the only one that couldn’t get your ceiling fan to work, think again! Everything you ever need to know is written in detail, time and time again all over the web — all you have to do is find out where to look! Learn this and you’ll save thousands of dollars (and feel better about your manhood).

First things first. When you take something apart, follow these steps: 1) Try to set the pieces somewhere safe, 2) Label them and follow instructions to a “t”, 3) Measure things twice, but only cut once, 4) If you have a digital camera or picture phone handy, take pictures to remind yourself how things were originally assembled. Using these simple steps will keep your hard work running smoothly (it’ll also cut down on the temper-tantrums and swearing).

Don’t assume … (“ass” out of “u” and “me” remember? God, I hated that teacher). Some of my most frustrating moments while fixing things have come when I thought I knew what the problem just had to be, only to be dead wrong, and have it be something entirely different. Learn from my mistakes — think about all the possible scenarios first!

Be careful. This one goes without saying; that’s why I’m saying it! Electricity will kill you. So can a falling fridge. Once, I was trying to put my kitchen back together, and stupid me forgot that the cord was still in the wall when I was shifting things around. Man, that thing was heavy (and sharp)! I learned a valuable lesson that day: refrigerators have a lot of mass (and they hurt too).

Last resort: call in the experts. No one can fix every problem! There are some things that will require a specialist, but most of the time you’ll be able to fix broken stuff with some patience, research, and a little (or a lot of) elbow grease. Never be afraid to replace a leaky faucet or a broken dimmer switch (these things are really easy) but make sure to call in a plumber if your basement gets flooded (let them do the hard work).

Fixing things around the house is a problem-solving process with one main goal: to return something to a workable state (even if it’s held together with duct tape now). Whether it doesn’t work at all or it’s just not working “correctly”, you can, as an new man, fix mostly anything, and save a lot of hard-earned cash — if you know (or learn) how to troubleshoot it. Caution: once you learn how to do this, I bet your wife will have a bunch of other things to start working on (they get like that, I know: it’s crazy).

Once you’ve done with the hard work, go fix yourself a nice big steak (rare, or medium … whatever) and down a couple of cold ones (no light crap)! Finally, tell the old man to put his toolbox in the will (you’ll need it now, all six pieces of it)!