Euphemism Alert: Tell-A-Marketer To Pound Sand!

Sure, you’re on the National Do-Not-Call Registry … but low lives can’t take hints!

Did you know this: telemarketing boiler rooms use something called “predictive dialing” so as not to waste their pawn’s valuable (read: $2/hour pre-scam) time, while having to wait for you to pick up? Their computer automatically dials your number, assumes it’ll take you on average 2-3 rings to pick up, and then switches you over to the next available telemarketer if you do! Now, not once did I mention that they give a s@#t about that stupid Do-Not-Call registry, did I? That’s because most of them are too thick-headed to care about the laws of society. Plus, the authorities talk a much bigger game than they deliver … and these creeps know it (seriously … how many of these companies are really being shut down? The truth: not many!).

The laws pertaining to these scumbag operations state that: 1) telemarketing firm can’t use any kind of artificial voice or pre-recorded message, 2) they can’t call a consumer before 8 a.m. or after 9 p.m., and 3) they must identify themselves (both name and company) upon request. Now, do you really think they’re paying any attention to these vague laws that are hardly ever (read: almost never) enforced! I hope you answered “NO”, because that is the God’s honest truth! These companies’ foundations are based on illegal activities, so laws don’t really apply to them … makes sense right? They’re still calling, and they’re still stealing! That’s how it goes … and it’ll probably never end!

People, the Federal Communications Commission is a huge joke, and the Attorney Generals out there are even bigger ones than that! If you falsely believe that you’re ever going to recover one red cent from these illegal telemarketing practices, you’re simply blowing smoke out your own a@#, because it’s never going to happen! Thinking about writing a formal “demand” letter to the president of the company? LOL. What are you in third grade or something … the world doesn’t work like that? Why should you jot down all of the details, like dates, times, and the name of the person who called? That’s going to get you nowhere fast! This is the sort of stuff the dingbats tell the victims who have already been robbed, to make them feel better about the sad, sad situation (however, it never works, and somehow it actually makes them feel worse eventually).

Below are some REAL tactics used to nip these cockroaches in the bud (warning: none of them come after the fact … they MUST be done before the infestation occurs). Oh, and don’t feel bad about using them, because these people don’t have a heart to hurt anyways:

I can’t hear you. This is a good one … and very effective. Let them lay down their crappy spiel, and then speak as if you can’t hear anything, while the telemarketer continues to droll on and on! “Hello? Hello? Is there anybody out there (read: Pink Floyd-style. LOL)? Oh, I guess not. Guess I’ll just hang up then.” Click. Then laugh. Then feel good about yourself!

The waiting game. Tell the telemarketer that you’ll be with them in a second … that you have a call on the other line (tee hee … giggle, giggle). Then pretend to transfer your call, but don’t (I can’t hold it in much longer). Then pretend to speak to another person and tell them how you have some POS telemarketer on the line, patiently waiting to rip you off. The telemarketer of course hears everything you say (LOLOLOL … couldn’t hold it in any longer … sorry). Checkmate!

Speak a “foreign” language. Sprechen Sie Deutsch? How about anything you learned from Spanish class … well, forget those … this a-hole might just know a little bit himself! Try backwards Pig-Latin, or Klingon! I once used my favorite, Yes talk, as in “Yes, Yes … yes, yes … (ah you get the point!)”. This one works remarkably well in most situations … give it a shot!

Air Your Problems Out. Telemarketer: “How are you today?” Your response: “Well, that’s so nice of you to ask. As a matter of fact, I’m a bit upset because my toe is starting to look infected. Then last night, my Herpes were flaring up again … I felt this burning sensation in my ‘you know what’ and it … (start getting real graphic)! Have you ever dealt with that sort of pain (he will probably hang up by the time you get to this part in the conversation … good for you!)?”

The life of a telemarketer (in a nutshell): these stupid, thieving “monkeys with scripts” sit at their tiny desks all day with a headset and computer screen to keep them company. They earn about two peanuts an hour, and don’t usually get paid unless they get your cash! Note: don’t let them get it … ever! Cherish your cash … love it … let it grow! This company wants it, because they want to abuse it! They want to take it away from you! Don’t let that happen! Tell this guy (or girl … usually girls aren’t this scummy, but there are the rare exceptions!) to screw off … tell him that his life is s@#t! That he’s a loser, who never finished anything in his life, like college … or a committed relationship! Tell him about God! Tell him to get out of his parent’s basement, and put on a nice suit and go get a real job (heck, even Mickey D’s is a few rungs up the ladder … tell him to start there). Get this jerk out of your life … and never ever … I mean ever fall for this lowest common denominator bulls#@t. Why? Well, because here goes the truth, in easy to comprehend, laymen’s terms:

NO offer, which comes over the telephone, especially when you didn’t make the initial call, is going to be anything other than a scam that is trying to separate you from your hard-earned money. I now throw this next sentence out there into the Universe: if any telemarketer can actually prove me wrong on the FACT above, please step up and reply to this article! You know why you can’t, with a straight face? Because it is impossible … that is why! And it will always be that way!

So the next time your day’s interrupted by these jerk-offs, use the information that we just covered, and I promise you that you’ll never be robbed again (or for you telemarketing-virgins: even for the first time). Good luck … and for all you telemarketers out there, go drown yourself … you freaking losers!