Ebenezer Scrooge’s Side Of The Christmas Story!

Well folks, it’s that time of the year again …

There’s a little over a month to fill the “simple” requests from our children who are way too young to get the fact that Santa doesn’t really make those expensive toys they’re begging us for, or from our wives, husbands or family members who are old enough to know better, but still don’t seem to get “it”! Yes, welcome to America … a country that doesn’t care how much you make during the rest of the year, as long as you have enough dough in your pocket to blow it all the products the marketers and advertisers profess that you must buy to keep the peace!

Yet, the cold hard truth remains: You honestly don’t need this stuff … Jesus Christ himself didn’t have a Christmas tree, did he (probably because he wasn’t a 5th century German tribesman)? Really … at a time of mass lay-offs, a weak U.S. dollar and general uneasiness about our economic future, does spending hard-earned cash on shiny new (fill in this blank with whatever they’re begging you for) make any sense to you? God, I hope not! Seriously, how can anyone on a budget justify splurging on a 50” plasma TV or a $500 Coach purse when this country is in near financial ruins?

Think about this: what does all that money really buy you anyways? It’s always so strange when those good holiday feelings suddenly leave you right around the second of January, the lights are put out for another whole year, the new stuff you just received quickly turns into your old stuff, and right after that you realize that once again, the corporate bastards got the upper hand on you … damn, those corporate bastards and their tricks … they’re so sneaky and effective (read: for themselves, not for you)! Forget about the past my friend, that’s what your money bought you LAST YEAR, but not this year, if you play it smart! This is the time of year you’re supposed to have mercy on everyone else, so what about your friends and families having mercy on your wallet for once? Makes sense to me!

That being said, only a handful of people are getting gifts from me this time around (Last year, I handed out gifts to all my sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends at the bar, their kids, and the list goes on) and all those presents are going to be weighed on a “cost per my intended target’s enjoyment” scale! YES … this is exactly what this country needs to fix our stupid imaginary economic crisis … you know the one in which imaginary billions of dollars were “lost” last year to give a convenient excuse for greedy billionaires to part the rest of us with our VERY REAL paychecks. I already explained to my friends and families (don’t worry guys, I don’t have kids yet) that Santa’s workshop is a business too, which means that it was going to be affected by the economy as well.

So, the people on my list will get less of a ton of stuff than usual (they used to get so much that they get BORED opening gifts, it was that bad) as it should be anyways. The adults among us should smartly decide to get back to Christmas basics … one in which there is a very set budget, and everyone gets only one or two thing that they really want (read: something of enduring quality) … then wrap up some socks, slippers or other types of fodder and call it a day! Sure, the corporations will hate this nifty idea, and pay the news networks to scare us into buying more garbage, because it’ll be SOOO good for the economy they’ll add, but we’ll just happily turn off the idiot box until mid-January. This, my friend, is how to get Christmas done the right way!

I, personally, have been thoroughly weirded out by how quickly the Christmas stuff came out this year in stores. Really … Santa has been on duty at my local mall since Halloween weekend (note: that’s insane)! Guys, call me a Grinch if you must, but I don’t really get Christmas. Sure, I like the snowy weather, the camaraderie, all the tasty food, and pretty lights, but I really don’t understand the whole “waste all of your money to make ingrates half happy” thing! Christmas is too expensive and stressful due to this … really it’s time to end this nerve-racking holiday nonsense and get back to the holiday celebrations that truly matter and are actually fun! Don’t you agree?

In my defense, I’m not really a Scrooge … I’m really just laid-back and kind of cheap … all my readers know this! For instance, when I spend Christmas with my parents up north, it tends to be a very relaxed and cozy time for catching up with my family members, eating lots of good food, and just resting around like a lazy cat for a whole week … and it is totally awesome! I’d much rather have this Christmas than an awkward “several-hundred-dollar gift exchange” Christmas any day.

OK, for you ignorant idiots who read blah, blah, blah while reading this, you may now commence with the throwing of things at my head. Let me warn you though … it won’t hurt my feelings! Bah, Humbug!