Doctor, Why Is My Head Pounding?

Still hurting from that barfight you started at O’ Henry’s on Saturday? Just found out your health insurance at the Waffle House doesn’t kick in until next month? If you can answer “yes” to both, you have a serious problem! No, the cops aren’t going to knock down your door (bouncers just say that when they’re afraid to fight)! And no, I’m not trying to sell you resume advice!

As a concerned citizen, I just want to offer some help on how to cut down on the skyrocketing health care costs for people in your same situation (well, not exactly the same). The following tips may help take some of the pressure off of your wallet (made out of duct tape, attached to a chain). Enjoy; then get help — both kinds!

Go to medical school. Most of them offer the community free or low cost medical treatment; in return, they get a never-ending supply of guinea pigs for their students. I’m just kidding! Actually, the care is usually better than that one-minute visit the hospital’s doctor would have “graced” you with. If crowds of young students and long wait times don’t bother you, you can score some high quality, low-cost health care. Maybe get a cute intern’s number, while you’re at it!

No weekends. Unless you’re dying, Saturdays and Sundays are a big “no-no” for going to the hospital. Most hospital departments will be closed or on a skeleton crew, which will quickly shoot up the cost of even a short hospital stay. Go Monday through Friday to get more attention and a smaller bill. They might also give you a lollipop!

Study your bill. Experts say that up to 50% of hospital bills have errors in them. While most of these slip-ups are small, it’s still your money, so do a thorough once-over to see if the accounting department screwed up. If you do find a problem with your bill, take it to the hospital STAT. Before you forget about it!

Get creative. Twist your doctor’s arm to see if you can get a cheaper solution to your prescription drug costs. Combining two inexpensive medications may give you the exact same result as a pricier one, and could save you a bunch of money in the process. Note: you should never mix drugs without talking with your doctor first — the combination can have serious side effects. Another note: beer and cigarettes do mix!

Find a helping hand. Need some crutches to get around on for while? Well, there’s no sense in paying full price if you’re only going to use them for a short time. Friends, neighbors or even a local church (that place you go to twice a year) may have equipment that will fit your needs at a greatly reduced cost. Like free!

Following these simple money-saving tips should keep you out of financial trouble, when it comes to your medical bills. Getting out of any other kinds of trouble is up to you and your parole officer!