Cell Phone + Toilet = Bad. Really Bad!

I was over at CJ’s (it’s a sports bar) the other night watching the Eagles manhandle Dallas (their favorite target: Terrell Owens), when all of a sudden those five Yuenglings I drank earlier wanted to come out — NOW!

Ok, I admit it: I’m a lightweight when it comes to putting them back (don’t worry: I had a DD) so in between telling that cologne guy I don’t carry cash on me, and doing what I have to do, something happened; my phone fell in the water, and I wasn’t near the sink at the time, either.

Ever dropped your cell phone in the toilet? It’s no fun — I can vouch for that! So here I am smack dab in the middle of a predicament. Thankfully, I knew what to do. If you haven’t got the faintest idea, below are the guidelines to maybe saving your overpriced iPhone! My advice: go cheaper next time.

Pull it out of the water ASAP. Forget the other stuff, and dive in. The plastic covers on today’s cell phones are pretty tight — so grab yours quickly! If you get it within 30 seconds, there’s a good chance nothing will be wrong with it (might reek a little though). Note: do not switch the phone on! This is extremely important; it will prevent a charge from running between the battery and phone, which may cause a short circuit. Remove the battery and hope for the best!

Dry it off. Now! This is obvious: you have to remove as much of the water as you can — this will keep it from getting into the phone. Shake it off without dropping it again (you dumb idiot), then use a towel or whole toilet paper roll to remove as much of the leftover water as possible. Pat down the excess moisture by hand. Don’t worry: you’ll be laughing about this later, Stinky!

Use a vacuum cleaner, if possible. If you’re in a bar restroom, you’re screwed (unless those weird cologne salesmen are in there: they stock everything for a buck). Hairdryers don’t work; the heat will eventually cause component failure inside the phone. Instead, hold the vacuum cleaner over the affected areas for a few minutes. This is the fastest method, but be careful not to hold the vacuum too close as it can create static electricity, which is even worse. Lithium-ion batteries are very sensitive — just like your pouty girlfriend waiting by herself at your table!

A San Francisco Treat. Leave the phone in a bag of uncooked rice overnight — it will absorb any remaining moisture. Remove the covers and external connectors to open up as many gaps, slots, and crevices in the phone as possible. You should be ok after this, right? Wrong! Even if all these steps are followed, minerals in the water can still remain on the solder and component pins, causing corrosion and shorting. Even a small amount can render the phone inoperable (read: kaput, shot, an expensive paper-weight)!

Test ‘er out. After a day or two, make sure everything is clean and dry, and then reattach the battery to see if your hard work has paid off. If it doesn’t work, try plugging it into its charger without the battery — if it works now, you only need a new battery. If not: take it to an authorized dealer, but don’t try to hide the fact that it has been wet (they smell that crap a mile away, literally). Note: there are internal indicators that change colors to prove you dunked it (and you thought they were psychic). Give this a try: tell them you were in a high-humidity climate — sometimes it works, and sometimes they just shake their head and laugh on the inside!

What did I do you ask? Well, I carry the Casio G’Zone Type-V cell phone from last year (not the newer, less manly version) so I didn’t have to worry, because it’s waterproof and almost indestructible. You might want to search eBay for one — I don’t think they make this model anymore. Oh, and about the smell: I paid the guy a dollar and he cleaned it off for me — darn, now he knows I carry cash!