Bar Fights Are A Waste Of Money!

Were you ever in a corner bar, talking with a nice blond, when all of a sudden some Harley-Davidson jerk grabs you from behind and tosses you off of “your” barstool, while screaming at the top of his lungs “COLORS DON”T RUN!” (and you didn’t happen to notice that you were sitting on his jacket or talking to his “old lady”)?

Well, I have been there, and let me tell you this: A-holes like that have to constantly prove to everyone around that they aren’t to be messed with, and those who don’t heed this warning are going to find out the hard way what a fist fight feels like. What I will now tell you is in no way an invitation to take this guy up on his “offer”, but a simple (and effective) plan that will save you, in the long run, both money and jail time (memorize it, and be the better man):

Calm this punk down. Don’t let it come to blows. These things start with a bunch of yelling, pushing and shoving — this is the perfect time to stop! By simply backing yourself and friends (we all have that one buddy with a Napoleon complex, stop him first) down, and attempting to talk calmly and rationally, you’ll usually be able to nip it in the bud (flower, not beer brand)!

Don’t throw fuel on the fire. You want to stop things from escalating and you need to do it as soon as possible (don’t wait till the teeth start flying). Grab your pain-in-the-ass midget friend and take three steps towards the door (Lynyrd Skynyrd style). Trust me: bad things will happen if you don’t!

When all else fails … call the cops or bar security. The threat of not being able to ever drink here again, or worse, getting thrown in the pokey is usually enough to stop a fight from happening (usually). Once the police do arrive, it’s a good idea to do whatever they say — you should never fight with the cops (those guys are always right [bu$%^#it] and they can, and will, always outnumber you).

Important: this advice will only get you so far — if a fight’s going to happen, there’s no stopping it! Sure, you’ll have to explain all of this down at the station, but at least you’ll be staying out of the ER. The following tips will help you prepare for the “tango”:

Watch your back. Feeling “cornered” is for people who never had to fight! Actually this is your best bet, for two reasons: 1) you can get a 180 degree layout of the battleground, and 2) no one will be able to bust a hard beer bottle over the back of your skull. Note: It will also show the guys on the other team that you know how to “dance” the good dance (if they’re cowards, they’ll back away now)!

If it starts, stop it! After the first barrage of punches, get old Bonaparte out of there and keep others from joining in on the fun! Pull your buddies off and get out of there, now! Once the main characters are out of the picture, the rest of the street fighters usually stop as well. The reason for this: they probably don’t know why they started fighting, but it sounded like a good idea at the time!

Remember Road House? Idiots like this really exist and love their jobs a little too much. The reason they’re working in this dump: Bad SAT scores, and too many Red Bulls and vodkas! If these wannabe cops come over to break things up, don’t try to fight them too. Tell ‘em you don’t want any trouble and kindly thank them for taking over. Remember this: “Pain don’t hurt” to these guys!

It’s never a pleasant situation to be in when a bar fight breaks out, especially if your friends or family are involved and don’t know how to throw down. However, bar fights can usually be stopped quickly if you know what to do (hopefully I just taught you that). Remember this: Beer muscles are the leading cause of most of these situations, so leave them at home!

How did I handle that scroungy biker jerk, you ask? Well, I stomped a mud hole in his ass (I was young and dumb at the time)! That yellow-belly chicken’s colors certainly ran that night!